Reflections before the End
by Alan Bates
Summary: Gogo reflects on what his life is and isn't


Disclaimer:……ummm………….I can't think of any clever disclaimer to go here. I'm so embarrassed.  
  
Tomorrow we're all going to go face Kefka for what we hope is going to be the final time. No it will be the final time. He'll kill us or we'll kill him. Yet knowing this I still feel…..  
  
Everything. I feel everything. And yet I have no feelings of my own. I am Gogo and I have no other name that I need. I have everything else and I have nothing.   
  
When others are around me I mimic them. But what they don't realize is that I copy much more than they intend. To perform the actions the way they do part of me must become part of them. They'll al inside me. Their feelings. Their thoughts. That's what make up who I am. For I have nothing else. I am nothing else.  
  
I stand alone now because I have no reason to talk with any of them. I know what they will say or at the very least what they want to say. That alone comforts me and it hurts me. I call them friends because they make me feel but there are things that you are supposed to keep from your friends. Certain thoughts and feelings. I know them as well. For now I sit quietly and observe the others.  
  
Celes and Lokce stand together. They love each other and they give each other all the hints but say nothing. Each of them is afraid of being hurt so they can't see how much the other needs them. I could tell them but who would believe me? Who would believe Gogo the jester, the clown, the strange being that is neither male nor female and yet both. I enjoy how their love fills me. I've never know love.  
  
Mog, Gau, and Umaro are together far away from everyone else. In them I feel a sort of kinship. I feel kinship with all once I begin to mimic them but these three are special. They aren't human. They're wild and free living and fighting for a world that has no business with them They posses a simple wisdom. Their freedom gives me ……..I don't know. I can never be free. Not when I am enslaved by the personalities of others. The voices in my head I mimic to give myself these feelings.  
  
Relm is over their petting the ferocious Interceptor. Strago looks lovingly over her. From the darkness far across the room, Shadow watches them pretending not to. He'd kill me if he learned I knew his secrets. He'd thank me if I told them. I say nothing. Let the family enjoy what life it still has. I don't have a family. I never will.  
  
The brothers Figaro are talking with each other very casually. They've made peace with each other but they don't realize something. Of course they don't. Like I've said, there are some things you don't tell. Edgar would be appalled to hear some of the things his brother has done while on the road but he's also quiet envious of the freedom he has. Sabin has no home to go to. No life outside of training. He thinks that he would enjoy taking his brothers place. He wouldn't. I know. The roads are his world. Traveled, adventure, and training are his life. When he is near. They are my life. I have no other life.  
  
I don't see Cyan right now. He still mourns his loss. I mourn for him as well. I know what it's like to loose those you love. I know that because I've copied it from him. He doesn't realize that he has a companion in suffering. His pain is my pain.   
  
Setzer stands alone by the wheel of the airship. Setzer has nothing, or so he thinks. He doesn't realize why he's traveling with these beings. Excuse me. These people. He got sucked into a noble quest that he would tell you he wants nothing to do with. If he told you that, he'd be lying. Here he has a place that he belongs. Even if he doesn't have friends. Nor do I. Except………I have all of them. For as long as they have me.  
  
Terra also is alone for now. She awaits the moment when she can return to the children she loves so much. I can see her taking out a small child's drawing done in crayon of herself. I don't have the heart to tell her the original picture was destroyed by Umaro. The one that gives her so much comfort is a picture of my own. Every line and every scribble copied to the exact. Something inside of me feels warm. I don't know why.  
  
Because the emotions that now reside inside me, I dread when Kefka is defeated. That will mean we all have to go our separate ways. Everyone has a life they must get back to. Everyone but me. I'm just a mirror of those around me with no true feelings of my own.  
  
But if I have no feelings, than this confession is nothing more than an illusion. It's as empty as I will soon be. 


End file.
